Axe me down...

Don't know how i have started trusting this page more than anything and anybody on this planet..i feel it allows me to express whatever i want and  for how so ever long.. it wont question back or argue..This time am not here to criticise( something am practising to quit), neither am going to discuss the steaming current affair the country is mad about,not a holiday diary..its only about what has gone wrong with me..
what are the  most common reasons  for frustration to take over  our mind? When we fail to follow the schedule we planned,,a mere fight with our friends that requires us to convince them back whole day,lazyness that is not letting us do something,etc..wonder  my mental state is being conquered from all sides at once..
After so many years I have structured a busy routine..i wake up, attend college, attend a course, then another..i come back  do a little follow up stuff and finally collapse to sleep to continue the loop..Am all alert  and excited to whatever shall happen to me in upcoming months..and one day a stampede of negativity  traps my mind that all this shall end  up into nothing and I would be a fool wondering what went wrong..hughh!! I feel doing nothing and immerse myself into a deep thought procedure..somehow the loop  alarms me  that deals like these are not tough for me..i’ll sail and achieve..but what should I do to the insomniac nights?
Another problem with me lies in my habbit of making fun or insulting( as they say).i invest my energy all day making others laugh..they do..they enjoy and all at sudden they end up yelling at me that I shouldn’t have said this or that... how is it when your own loved ones dont want to listen anymore, when asking for apology and waiting for things to bounce back normal is the only choice..waiting!! something i have always hated the most..it feels embarrasing..:(
[ my mobile apologised to 7 different people last night..)
my idea of making fun, cracking PJ'S 24*7,laughing unecessarily doesnt mean i hve nothing more purposeful to do..yes! thats what mates around end up concluding.."ye pagal h,, akal kahan h isse,,,ye kya smjhega kisi ko!! ghosh!!
Its only I have priortised my life towards fun and laughter..it makes me go easy,something I wish for everybody around..
This post may appear tainted to some, but this is something bothering me a lot..sometimes I wish I had gun  to blow everybody responsible..or better  would be to axe myself down..